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Post by Jay Berner on May 22, 2004 19:30:22 GMT -5
So who've we got?
Me; stonefruit maybe, ropegun, and I nominate my friend Chris, even though he's not registered here yet.
I say that this time we switch the format. Anybody who wants the position may nominate themselves but has to make their case in posts on this thread. Sound good?
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Post by Moses on May 22, 2004 21:17:00 GMT -5
I feel guilty that I can't volunteer (other than to provide forum/feedback? Info?)-- I am very far behind on other stuff!
P.S. -- Have you seen the google ad that has appeared on this board for a guy running for Senate in MA on the technocrat party ticket? The ad says he's a party of one. I keep meaning to click through to see what's what.
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Post by Ropegun on May 23, 2004 10:55:27 GMT -5
Ok....my hats in the ring. Again.
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Post by Jay Berner on May 25, 2004 18:34:43 GMT -5
You stand a good chance of winning, O Mighty Opponent. I'm not going down without a fight, however! Ready your speeches! The "debates" start this Friday!
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Post by Ropegun on May 26, 2004 0:54:01 GMT -5
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by POA on May 28, 2004 21:31:42 GMT -5
We seem to have a tie in terms of the vote for the title of the position.
Does anyone else wish to add more?
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Post by calabi-yau on May 29, 2004 9:05:22 GMT -5
So who will break the tie ? I can't vote, I'm not American.
About that speech, I came around on Friday and nobody showed up. I had brought pompoms and everything, even some bongos. Too bad for you all ! ;D
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Post by bigidea on May 29, 2004 9:44:48 GMT -5
I'm excited that my one vote can swing the tide but I don't know who to vote for. As an SC ABBer antagonist I do like the ideal you guys are working for and will lend a hand anyway I can. I don't feel I can vote until I know a bit more about the candidates positions. I am open to personal appeals and lobbying efforts however. ;D
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Post by Jay Berner on May 30, 2004 11:02:44 GMT -5
Sorry I'm such a slack-@ss...I did write out a few paragraphs long-hand yesterday while I was picnicking at the river, but it's only first-draft quality. Tonight I'll post some "Position Papers" - I swear!
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Post by Jay Berner on May 31, 2004 7:40:24 GMT -5
My Fellow Americans,
Not long ago my employer sent me to Anaheim, California for training. They'd sent several of us to be trained at once: Mike, a young white kid from Utah; and C.J., a young black kid from Georgia. On our last day we were driving back to our hotel when a cop flashed his lights and we pulled into a truck weigh-station.
Mike was driving, CJ was in the passenger seat, and I was in the back seat. The cop approached us from the right, and as he neared the car I put my hands on CJ's headrest in front of me, CJ lifted his up to the roof of the car, and just as the cop got close Mike LEANED ACROSS CJ, OPENED THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT, AND STUCK HIS HAND IN IT.
My eyes bulged, I heard CJ gasp and saw him curl his back into his seat, instinctively trying to provide a clear shot at Mike for the cop. I glanced over at the cop, whose hand had dropped down to his pistol and was backing away.
Mike jammed the rental papers (which served as registration) over CJ through the passenger window, and the cop relaxed, walked up and took the papers, and said that he'd stopped us because none of us were wearing our seatbelts. Mike slumped back into the driver's seat and let his hands flop any old place with a sheepish grin.
I chirped up and explained that our company brought us here for sales training, that we were all from different states, and that we didn't know the law.
Mike had given the cop his license with the paperwork, so the cop looked at it, then me, and asked what state I was from. I told him, and asked if he wanted to see my license. He said yes, so I slowly reached down with one hand and pulled my wallet out of my pocket and raised it up where he could get a good look at it, then extracted my license and gave it to him.
CJ was still trying to push himself into his car seat to provide a clear line of fire at a lackadaisical Mike, and when the cop looked at him (indicating that he was to show his license next) CJ said, "I'm going to pull out my wallet. Okay?" You could hear the fear and tension - and extreme alertness - in his voice as he said it. The cop nodded, and CJ slowly lowered one hand down, pulled out his wallet, fished out his license, dropped his wallet in his lap, handed his license to the cop, and put his hand back next to the other one pressed against the roof.
The cop looked at it, handed it back to CJ, and then told us that in California there was a mandatory seat-belt law, that he wasn't going to give us a ticket, but please buckle up from now on. With great sighs of relief we all grunted affirmatively and said things like, "sure" and, "sorry." The cop got back into his car and we got back on the highway.
CJ immediately lit into Mike. "Man, what the F#CK is the matter with you? Did you want to get us SHOT?" Mike grunted quizzically, and CJ continued.
"Just a few weeks ago the cops stopped some kid in a town in Florida and shot him dead. He didn't even have a gun. He was a student, and he moved too fast and the cop got scared and shot him. He got away with it, too. They don't care down there."
Mike explained that in Utah if you didn't have your license and registration ready by the time the police reached your car they considered it wasting the officer's time and you'd get an extra ticket for obstructing justice.
"If we get pulled again - you keep still. Keep your hands up and don't move unless they say you can. D@mn...you're gonna' get me killed," CJ answered.
I just kept quiet in the back seat and watched the two of them discuss cops - from Mike's comments it was clear that he thought of them as semi-serious annoyances, but CJ spoke of them like they were hair-trigger land mines. Mike was relaxed from start to finish, but it took CJ about 5 minutes to calm down.
There in the back seat I wished I'd had a video-camera, because I couldn't have scripted and directed a better illustration of racial disparity. The white kid's nonchalance, because he knew perfectly well that he wasn't going to be shot; and the black kid's tense fear because he knew he was one sudden move from a date with Lady Death. Both were right.
If I am elected to the office of New Democratic Party's National Party Junior Assistant Under-Co-Coordinator-In-Training, 4th Class, I vow to put a swift end to that disparity!
I will not stop until EVERYONE receives equal treatment under the law. We will hire FIVE TIMES as many police! We will build FIVE TIMES as many prisons! We will hire FIVE TIMES as many judges! Just as we've disproportionately sicced the police on minority communities, we will sic them on the majority! We will send armored cops in Ninja outfits into sleepy suburban bedroom communities to kick down the doors of the old housewives illegally swapping prescription tranquilizers with each other, and if a little rich kid illegally sneaks a sip of Mommy's wine, cops will be there to take the negligent mother to prison and the delinquent child to foster care!
Helicopters will train spotlights on evening power-walkers, people will be stopped, frisked, and detained because they "fit the description," and there will be "justified shootings." Lots of them!
If some rich kid smokes a joint with his rich friends a cop will be surveilling it and bust them all. Every time! One strike and yer' out! The gavel will bang and little Skip Jr. will go away for 10 years! We will build prisons and fill them; build more, and fill them; and fight this good fight until 32% of the white men in this country have been to prison!
The majority has gotten a pass for far too long, and if elected, I will not rest until every white kid in Utah is just as scared of the police as every black kid in Georgia! We'll work together to institute one massive police state which opresses everyone EQUALLY! Then, and only then, will we WIN the WAR on DRUGS!
Thank you. God bless you all. Thank you.
(applause fades)
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Post by Jay Berner on May 31, 2004 8:37:03 GMT -5
The unemployment rate for Native Americans on Fort Peck Reservation (Montana) has been estimated at 76%. The unemployment rate for white residents in Poplar (a town on the Reservation) has been estimated at 12%.
If elected to lead our Shadow Government, I VOW TO END THIS DISCRIMINATION!
Through a bold series of tax initiatives I will eliminate the onerous burdens placed on American corporations. At the same time, I will spend as much as it takes to make the United States of America a leader in the high-tech field of advanced robotics, and distribute this technology to corporations free of charge. With the terrible weight of government taxation lifted from their noble shoulders, American corporations will have the capital to invest in these new technologies which will allow them to cut costs, increase productivity, and compete with overseas firms with much lower labor costs.
There are those who say that the rapid replacement of our human workforce with robotic systems would be too great a sacrifice, but I say that what's good for the goose is good for the gander! Then, and only then, will we be able to close the gap between Assiniboine and Norwegian-Americans! Then, and only then, will we be able to achieve a national unemployment rate of 76%!
Thank you.
(applause)
Thank you. I'll be playing here until Thursday. You've been a wonderful audience. Thank you.
(applause fades)
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Post by Jay Berner on May 31, 2004 10:04:23 GMT -5
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Post by Jay Berner on May 31, 2004 10:06:57 GMT -5
*note: all images shamelessly swiped from B3ta
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Post by Jay Berner on May 31, 2004 10:26:57 GMT -5
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Post by Jay Berner on May 31, 2004 13:13:25 GMT -5
My Fellow Americans, We live in a wonderful era! An era of splendour and plenty, and era of hope and dreams fulfilled; an era of peace, prosperity, and unparalleled jusctice! Ours is a bright and glorious future...together...free! But...there are... [glow=red,2,300]EVIL ONES[/glow] ...bent on destroying our dreams! ( moans from the audience) Yes! Yes! [glow=red,2,300]EVIL ONES[/glow] ...out to restrain our markets! Out to cut off Choice! Out to wage class warfare on our peaceful, orderly society! Out to lay waste to all our plans to meet the future free from terror! These terror-tyrants recognize no boundaries; they come and go and slip amongst us like foul snakes born of Satan. They slither across national borders and slide through our ports, and worm their way through our security. Once they have compromised us they'll engage in terrible acts of terrifying terrorism because they hate our freedom! In the name of National Security, we must act. If elected to be the NDPNP Patsy, I vow to meet the challenges that face us as the Greatest Nation That God Loves The Most! Unlike our current "War President," I will replace our ancient National Security strategy with something Bold and Daring. A tribute to American ingenuity and strength! The current "War President" is content to try and fight the new threats facing our nation with a two dimensional military policy radiating flatly from an aging, five-sided Pentagon. My administration will commit itself to building a modern, high-tech replacement: The Orbital Rhombic Triacontahedron!It will be expensive, but our safety from terror deserves nothing less than this sophisticated and majestic show of patriotic strength and faith in God Almighty that will protect us and our children from terrorists! This orbital command and defense station will defend us against incoming nucular missles and allow us to monitor every person on the planet for terrorist-related activity programs from a height of 150 miles. A new generation of Smart Missiles will eliminate terror threats, no matter what part of the mosque they're hiding in! My plan will guarantee the Jesus-Loving peoples of America 1,000 years of peace! Thank you. ( thunderous applause eventually fades)
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