Leaked E-mail: UK/Poland Dec 12, 2005 15:11:55 GMT -5
Post by Moses on Dec 12, 2005 15:11:55 GMT -5
E-mail Message from Britain's Ambassador to Poland.
SUNDAY TIMES, London, 11/12/05
British ambassador in Warsaw's leaked e-mail in full
Sent: 08 December 2005 05:36
To: KDarroch; Nicola.Brewer
Subject: LOOSEN THOSE EU BUDGET TALKS - LET'S END THE MISERY
This Budget thing is already dragging on too long. So here is a draft speech
for the Foreign Sec or PM to use next week to bring it to a rapid and
"OK, partners, here is my Budget final offer (Puts a large naff kiddies
alarm clock on the table).
We all know that the hypocrisy and absurdity of this process are passing any
I am being asked to give more UK taxpayers money to an EU which for years
can not produce properly audited accounts. Mon ami Jacques with the support
of most of you is nagging me to give the EU more money while refusing to
surrender an inch or even a centimetre on the CAP - a programme which uses
inefficient transfers of taxpayers money to bloat rich French landowners and
so pump up food prices in Europe, thereby creating poverty in Africa, which
we then fail to solve through inefficient but expensive aid programmes. The
most stupid, immoral state-subsidised policy in human history, give or take
As for the new member states, we like you so much that we are proposing in
the Budget a huge new transfer of funds to you on a scale which will give
your people the greatest boost in 1000 years. I will be attacked by my scary
new teenage Tory opposition for building roads and hospitals in Poland and
Hungary, rather than in poor areas of the UK. We - unlike most other old EU
MS sitting here - have opened our labour markets. HMG have created more jobs
for Poles in the past year than the Polish Government. Yet not one of you
nor a single newspaper in any of your capitals has expressed a single word
of gratitude or appreciation for the UK position in all this. So much for
Shame on you all. Enough is enough.
In a moment I will press the button on this vulgar clock, made cheaply and
well in China. It will ring loudly in exactly an hour's time.
At that point I will ask everyone round the table whether they accept our
current offer. Yes, or No.
If anyone says No, we end the meeting. The EU will move on to a complete
mess of annual budgets. Basically suits us - we'll pay less, and the rebate
stays 100% intact. My ratings will go up.
However, despite the rudeness and ingratitude of the new member states as
expressed here today, we in London do want to help them. So if the Budget
deal does end in an hour's time, we will take action alone.
I have here with me a draft press release which says the following:
Following the failure of the EU Budget talks today because most EU member
states refused to accept a generous, innovative new budget proposed by HMG,
the UK Gov announces that it is going to set aside a good chunk of the money
it was prepared effectively to deduct from its rebate under the current
proposals, 5 billion pounds, to set up a new Strategic European Development
Fund - the Mother of All Know How Funds, but on steroids.
This Fund will be accessible for those of the V4 plus Balts who agree to
join its programme - if they all feel too humiliated by our lack of EU
solidarity to join, that's great - we'll keep the money for ourselves. If
only some of them join, that's great too - those who do will get
The Fund will cut out all the bollocky EU bureaucracy which comes with the
current spending round, which means that for every pound we pay into the EU
pot for Structural Funds for new MS about a [make up a suitable percentage]
goes in sticky transaction costs, local and Brussels corruption, overhead
and other rubbish, and so does not benefit the intended recipients.
The Fund will go for any sensible strategic development idea that comes
along, with emphasis on R&D and Innovation, plus reform of the region's
abysmal legal systems, the main Communist - era legacy problem in Europe.
But if you want to build some new roads, that's OK too.
The Fund will be managed according to state of the art transparency and
* Internet procurement
* 90% money spent to require matching private sector funds, so as to
encourage new private investment on a vast scale
* top-level auditing
* explicit buy-in by recipient governments to compensate the fund on a
'triple damages' basis for any losses proved by independent auditors to be
due to official local corruption, and to prosecute the people concerned
* up-front urgent action by recipient partner governments to set up their
own streamlined procedures and new laws to allow this money to be spent fast
* oversight by independent all-party experts and bankers/business leaders
in each country to ensure scrupulous honesty and agree national priorities
* hard targets set for spending with regular public updates
* hundreds of short-term fellowships to enable the brightest and best
from these countries to see EU best practice in action in the UK
* [Aside: PM Marcinkiewicz: you asked me recently to help with ELT in
Polish schools - spend 100 million of the Fund on this, so that every kid
learns English, plus save money by shutting down French and German language
* and so on
This Fund means that the UK's money goes much further, much faster and much
more efficiently into the regions concerned than it possibly could under any
Five billion pounds spent this way equals far more than 10 billion spent
through the EU, by building in good incentives at every level to encourage
openness, free enterprise, creativity and honesty.
The Fund will give the UK and British expertise and the English language
together a dominant economic, political and intellectual position in the
most dynamic region of Europe for decades to come, forcing legal and
business reform on a huge scale according to the purest Anglo-Saxon
And it will be incredibly popular in the countries concerned, since it will
force the region's governments sitting shiftily round this table to be far
more honest and accountable than they are at the moment.
More! The roaring success of the Fund will set in motion the accelerating
downsizing of all EU-level spending and a fundamental rethink of global aid
philosophy. UK voters and voters all across the EU will love it because it
spends their money well, plus highlights the wastefulness of what the EU is
doing at the moment and cuts out completely the blathering European
Parliament. Wider public pressure for reforms along UK lines will become
Basically, a terrific deal for the UK, for the modern European ideal of
well-coordinated light-touch integration, and for the populations of the
End of draft press release.
We nonetheless remain willing to sacrifice all that in the interests of
discredited, inefficient, socialistic, EU 'solidarity' - if that is what you
really all prefer - to sign up for the latest offer for the Budget which is
on the table.
Over to you, mes chers amis!
(Presses button on alarm clock. Silence. Broken only by loud ticking)
I have a suitable alarm clock if that helps.